Embedded Files
Succeeding in Marriage
In a culture in which the divorce rate is over 50% how do we really make marriage work? Luckily, John Gottman, the leading marriage researcher in the US, created the “Love Lab” to answer just that. Gottman completed research on couples by placing them in an apartment with cameras for days at a time and studied their interactions, fights and make-up sessions to figure out what successful couples are doing differently. From this research, Gottman was able to place his findings in the “Sound Relationship House” featured in the New York Times Bestseller The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.
As pictured below, the walls that give the Sound Relationship House its essential structure are Trust and Commitment. Trust between a couple is foundational for making all other aspects work together. I often tell couples who are struggling to rebuild trust, that it takes a minute to break and a lifetime to repair. Therefore, trust must be in the forefront of every decision couples make to provide safety and security for their spouse. Commitment is something many young couples pledge to one another, but rarely do they understand the weight of this promise when the “in love” feeling fades and the hard work begins. Commitment is a decision couples must make on a daily basis to provide a safe place for each other in an ever-changing world.
Along with these essential ingredients, couples must continue to build Love Maps with one another. This means that couples must continue what they started in dating; including asking one another open-ended questions, caring about what is important to the other, and knowing each other’s world on an intimate level. I often encourage couples to download an app called “Conversation Starters” which provides unique questions to ask one another on dates. Couples often stop “dating” in marriage, which leads to disconnection and a lack of intimacy.
The next level of the house includes Sharing Fondness and Admiration of one another. We must have a deep appreciation for our spouse and who they are. Couples who are successful make a conscious effort to notice what their partner is doing right. This will also promote the couple turning towards one another, which means noticing and accepting bids for emotional connection. Couples must be vigilant in knowing how their partner gives and receives love. We often refer to Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages to help couples understand their own love style.
Creating a Positive Perspective is the next level of The Sound Relationship House. The Positive Perspective means that marriages that are lasting long term tend to see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. Gottman found that for every one negative thought we have about our spouse, we must counter that with five positive thoughts. When couples intentionally fill each other’s love tank, they can keep their conflicts in perspective.
The next level, Managing Conflict, is essential to all marriages. When I’m working with a couple, I often teach them how to fight in a healthy manner. Conflict in marriage is inevitable, but couples can learn to fight well and often learn to resolve a conflict in a way that creates more intimacy in the marriage. Successful couples deal with their problems softly, briefly and as soon as possible. They don’t let the argument linger for days, but instead deal with it that day with assertive, rather than aggressive language.
The last and final levels of The Sound Relationship House include Making Life Dreams Come True and Creating a shared Meaning. This happens when couples understand each other’s life goals and work towards intertwining them with one another’s core values. This is often the key to unlocking perpetual problems, as couples understand the deeper meaning from one another’s perspective. Change for couples overtime is inevitable, but successful couples are often sharing values, morals and creating rituals that strengthen their bond with one another. I often encourage couples to think about what purpose they were brought together for and what they wish to leave as their legacy.
I encourage you to seek help for your marriage as soon as possible. Many marriages can benefit from education and skills that aid in communication, conflict resolution and overall marital contentment.
Report abuse